10th May 2013
Had not planned to write this one…Five months and four deaths were too much to carry for someone who has never (read ‘had never’) lost anyone close and felt grief of the degree that I have felt now. Sometimes I wonder if I really know what grief is, but one thing is certain that two situations that I don’t know how to react are extreme joy and extreme pain. Losing my sister was so shocking that for 2 months I kept asking myself “Why am I crying?” I have so many philosophies that say that death is inevitable, death is nothing but a temporary phase (sleep) and the one who dies is actually getting out from the suffering of this world. So even though I kept thanking God for so many blessings, I would still cry for my sister…somethings that I thought were:
- My children will never get to know her
- We have always been four of us
- Oh! Now I have only one sister
- Nobody will call and fight with me for not going to Jaipur often or forgetting b’days and anniversaries
Etc. etc. But there was a longer list that I thanked God for:
- She didn’t suffer. She died peacefully.
- She lived in a joint family, so her children, though will miss her, will not miss mother’s care.
- She loved people genuinely and that she had lived a good life.
- I was glad that I was in India so I could immediately go to Jaipur.
- I reached after funeral so I wont remember her as a dead body but someone who is walking, talking and laughing around all the time.
And many more that I am not able to remember now…
I was just coming to terms with that and I hear about one of my close cousins being terminally ill. Against all odd, I prayed for his healing (usually I pray for strength). On 16th April, he passed away. I didn’t know how to react, so I just cried. He had been a great support, and guide during our childhood. There was a lot of encouragement from him. On 4th May another cousin of mine passed away without any notice, she had rheumatic arthritis but she wasn’t badly ill, but God’s grace that she died in her sleep. She too was an important person in our years of growing up. Then, on 5th of May, my ex-boss passed away! I really dint know what to do. I just gasped and said, "One more?" He was a great mentor, I had learnt a lot from him, and his kid is too young to lose a parent, but then, death is inevitable, it is nothing but sleep and the one who dies is actually getting out from the suffering of this world.
I had to let all of this pass through me but any phone call scares me, I pray, God, let this not be a bad news. I take one day at a time and the day I don’t get any bad news, I thank God and go to sleep.
Sleep…well, that’s a luxury for me these days, in the night when I keep my head on the pillow, a stream of thoughts rush into my mind and I pray, “God, strengthen me, give me peace, help me sleep” I don’t know when I fall asleep but I know I don’t want to get up from that sleep.
Am just watching as things happen around. I don’t let myself get attached to events and so with my best friend’s wedding. I’m happy that he is finally settling but don’t know how to react to the fact that he won’t be staying around anymore. As we plan to drive down to Kerala, I pray that we’ll go safe and come back safe.
13th May 2013
We are back safe and sound from the wedding. It was a good trip. It helped me feel so relaxed and nice. I had thought of my sister (somehow I get to see someone resembling here everywhere) but it dint make me sad. I got to spend good time teasing the new groom, enjoying the good meal and then drive and drift at the drive-in beach in Cannanore. Good music and a gooder drive :D My husband is the best and safest driver in the whole world.
I felt so light and relieved, I felt free and I felt nice. Am glad that I was not that angry, irritated, snappy and crying Vandy that I have been in last few months. I was not super happy but I was happy. I was really glad that my friend is finally settled and his search for a life partner has finally come to an end. I was happy that we could be a part of this celebration.